Exercise ADHD, managing frustration

Losing a game, not getting what you want straight away, failing an exercise: for a child with ADHD, frustration is often hard to bear. It can trigger tantrums, tears and giving up. Yet learning to tolerate frustration is essential for growing up. Here are some exercises to help, gently.

A fragile tolerance

Frustration arises when we do not get what we want, or not straight away. In a child with ADHD, it is often experienced very intensely. Their impulsivity and difficulty regulating emotions make waiting and failure hard to bear. They may react strongly. They may also give up everything at the first difficulty.

This low tolerance for frustration can complicate school, family and social life. It can also prevent them from persevering and making progress. We can help them develop it, step by step. We expose them to small frustrations, in a reassuring setting. We support them. Motivation is covered on the page ADHD and motivation.

Learning to lose

Losing a game is often one of the hardest frustrations. We can train this with board games as a family. We start with games of chance, where nobody is responsible for the defeat. Snakes and ladders, Ludo. The child learns that losing is part of the game.

Before playing, we can recall a simple rule: you may be disappointed, but you stay polite. After a defeat, we congratulate the winner. We suggest another game. We praise the way the child reacted, more than the result. They learn to lose with greater calm. Family games are described on the page board games and ADHD.

Accepting not succeeding first time

Many children with ADHD give up as soon as a task resists. We can help them understand that mistakes are part of learning. We tell them about our own failures. We show them that champions train a great deal. We praise effort, not just successes.

We can offer challenges that are a little difficult, but achievable. A slightly larger jigsaw puzzle, a more complex construction game. The child tries, fails, starts again. We encourage them. When they succeed, they are proud of having persevered. Seeing a task through despite the difficulty is worked on the page on finishing what you start.

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Delaying a reward

Learning to wait for a reward helps tolerate frustration. We can offer small choices: a sweet now, or two after the meal. The child learns to be patient to get more. We start with short waits. We gradually lengthen them.

Reward charts, where points are accumulated before getting something, also build this patience. The child watches their points build up. They wait for the moment of the reward. They learn that effort and waiting pay off. This mechanism is explained on the page ADHD and reward systems.

Finding words

When the child is frustrated, we can help them put words to what they feel. You are disappointed because you lost. You are cross because you have to wait. They feel understood. The frustration lessens a little. They can then hear a solution.

We avoid minimising their frustration: it’s not a big deal. For them, it is a big deal in the moment. We acknowledge their emotion. We support them. Then we look together for how to get past the disappointment. To help the child name what they are going through, see the page on recognising their emotions.

Techniques for calming down

When frustration rises, the child can use techniques to calm down, learnt when calm. Breathing deeply. Counting to ten. Stepping away for a moment. Squeezing a stress ball. They choose the one that works best for them.

We practise them regularly, when they are calm, so that they become reflexes. We write them on a small card. They can consult it. They regain control more quickly. The red light technique, useful here, is described on the page on the red light for stopping.

Professional support

If frustration causes frequent and intense outbursts, support can help. The psychologist works with the child on frustration tolerance and emotion management. They also offer tools to parents. Parent guidance helps set a caring yet firm framework. These approaches often calm family life.

To find a psychologist who supports children with ADHD, consult the directory ProfessionnelsDys, which offers a search by town. You will also find psychomotor therapists there. The two approaches can complement each other. How to set a framework is covered on the page ADHD and household rules.