By Nadège Maréchal – L’Îlot des Émotions, Cholet
Homework time begins. The exercise book is open, but a few minutes later, the child has got up, forgotten the instruction or no longer knows where to start. The parent reminds, encourages, repeats. Tension rises. And sometimes a sentence eventually comes out: “But you know how to do it!”
Many families affected by ADHD know this scene. It clearly shows a reality that can be hard to understand: knowing how to do something does not always mean being able to do it when we are asked to.
Living through these mismatches over and over, the child may eventually stop seeing just a difficulty with attention or organisation. They may start to think that the problem is them. This is where the question of self-confidence becomes essential.
When “knowing how” is not enough
A child with ADHD may know their lesson and forget an instruction a few moments later. They may know they need to pack their bag yet still leave an exercise book on their desk. They may understand an exercise perfectly, yet remain for a long time in front of their sheet without managing to begin.
What looks simple from the outside actually calls on several skills: getting into action, holding information in mind, organising the steps, resisting distractions, sustaining attention and managing frustration when something does not work as planned.
Of course, this does not mean that every difficulty must be explained by ADHD. However, understanding how this works helps avoid reducing the situation too quickly to a lack of effort or willpower.
When repeated difficulties affect self-image
At school as well as at home, the child receives a great deal of feedback about what they forget, what they have not finished or what they should have done differently. Even when these reminders are necessary, they can become heavy when they pile up.
The young person also compares themselves to others. They sometimes see a classmate finish quickly while they are still struggling to get down to work. They may feel they are putting in a lot of energy without achieving the expected result.
Little by little, “I forgot my exercise book” can become “I’m useless”. “I can’t get started” can become “I’m lazy”. And “I lost my temper again” can become “I’m unable to control myself”.
In my support work, I often notice that the young person knows very well how to list what they do “wrong”, but finds it much harder to name their qualities or achievements. This is also where the work on self-confidence takes on its full meaning.
Understanding how you work without being confined by it
Putting words to what the child is going through can already change a great deal. The aim is not to say, “It’s not a big deal, it’s your ADHD”, nor to remove expectations. Rather, it is about helping them understand what requires more effort from them and what can help.
Saying “I find it hard to get organised” is very different from thinking “I am incapable”. Needing a reminder to start does not mean being lazy. And feeling an emotion very strongly does not make the child a “difficult” child.
This distinction gradually helps them take a fairer view of themselves: recognising their difficulties, yes, but without confusing them with their personal worth.
Confidence is also built through small successes
Telling a child “you are capable” is important, but it is not always enough. They also need to experience small successes. Starting homework without three reminders, remembering to prepare their kit or managing to say “here, I need a break”: these are sometimes the small steps that allow them to tell themselves, at last, “I can manage it”.
This is why very concrete adjustments can make a difference: breaking a task into several steps, giving one instruction at a time, using a checklist, making time visible, planning short breaks or preparing the materials before starting.
The aim is not to do things in their place. On the contrary, it is about giving them supports they can gradually make their own. When a tool works, it can be identified together: “What helped you this time?” This question encourages them to become an active agent of their own strategies.
Not looking only at what isn’t working
When everyday life is complicated, it is natural for adults’ attention to focus on what needs correcting: the unfinished homework, the forgotten item, the bedroom to tidy, the appointment to remember.
Yet it is just as important to make progress visible. A young person who remembers on their own to use their checklist, who manages to ask for help before becoming discouraged, or who finds another way to solve a problem is already developing skills.
They should also be given the opportunity to talk about what works well for them. Creativity, humour, curiosity, sensitivity, imagination, perseverance, energy, passions, the ability to find solutions: ADHD never sums up a person.
Identifying their strengths does not mean denying their difficulties. It simply puts those difficulties back in their proper place within a fuller self-image.
And when emotions overflow?
Repeated difficulties can bring on frustration, discouragement, anger or sometimes anxiety. A child who has already been through several experiences of failure may approach an exercise already believing they will not manage it.
At that moment, simply asking them to “concentrate” is unlikely to be enough. They may first need to identify what is happening: “What am I feeling? Where do I feel it in my body? What made me rise so quickly? What do I need now?”
Learning to recognise one’s emotions and trying out different ways of regaining calm is therefore also part of the path towards autonomy. Attention, organisation, emotions, learning and self-confidence are often closely linked in everyday life.
Finding the tools that suit the young person
There is no single method that works for every child with ADHD. Some will need to visualise the steps. Others will need to move around, break a task down further or make time more concrete. A tool that is very effective for one child may not suit another.
This is why I place great importance on observation and experimentation: trying things out, watching what really helps, adjusting, and then allowing the young person to gradually build their own toolbox.
It is not for the young person to adapt to a ready-made method; it is for the support to be able to adapt to the young person.
From “I can’t do it” to “I can’t do it yet”
Supporting a child or adolescent with ADHD is not only about helping them get better organised or stay attentive for longer. It is also about helping them understand that a difficulty defines neither their intelligence, nor their abilities, nor what they may become.
When the young person better understands how they work, identifies what helps them and becomes aware of their resources, the way they talk about themselves can gradually change.
“I can’t do it” can then become “I can’t do it yet”.
This small word does not remove the difficulties. But it leaves room for learning, for trying, for progress and, above all, for confidence.
About the author
Nadège Maréchal is an emotional support therapist and coach specialising in ADHD, DYS and HPI. Founder of L’Îlot des Émotions in Cholet, she supports children, adolescents and their families with emotions, understanding how they work, autonomy and self-confidence.
L’Îlot des Émotions – www.lilotdesemotions.fr
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