You have probably heard this sentence: « I forgot because I have ADHD. » Or perhaps you have said it yourself. And then someone replies, with a knowing look: « Stop using that as an excuse. » Awkward. Because deep down, it is true that ADHD affects working memory and organisation… but it is equally true that not everything can be blamed on the diagnosis. It is a fine line, often blurred, and it deserves clarifying — especially for people with ADHD themselves, who feel guilty on one side and try to justify themselves on the other.
The difference between « explaining » and « excusing »
Let us start with the obvious: ADHD is not a myth. It is a well-documented neurodevelopmental disorder that genuinely affects attention, inhibition and executive functions. When a person with ADHD forgets an appointment, it is not a matter of wilful bad behaviour — it is a neurobiological consequence. Their brain processes information differently.
But here is where it gets interesting: saying « I have ADHD, so I forgot » is not the same as saying « it’s not my fault, I can’t help it ». The first statement explains the mechanism. The second uses it as a blank cheque for inaction.
Let us take a concrete example. A person with ADHD who is systematically late might say:
- Explanation: « I struggle to judge how much time is passing because of my ADHD. That’s why I always end up rushing. »
- Excuse: « I have ADHD, so I’ll always be late, that’s just how it is. »
The difference? In the first case, the problem is acknowledged and solutions can be sought. In the second, it is presented as an unchangeable fate. And this is precisely where many people with ADHD lose their way: they confuse « my brain works differently » with « I am not responsible for anything ».
Why this confusion helps no one
When ADHD is used as a systematic excuse, two problems arise at once.
On the one hand, others stop taking the person seriously. Those around them begin to roll their eyes. « Oh yes, the ADHD, of course », thinks the colleague whose deadline was missed. And so, even the genuine difficulties linked to the diagnosis lose their credibility. This is the well-known problem of « crying wolf too often ».
On the other hand, the person with ADHD gradually stops taking responsibility. They begin to believe they cannot change anything, that it is simply « just how they are ». Yet this is false. Even with ADHD, strategies, tools and adjustments that work do exist. Apps and software for organising your day exist precisely for this purpose. But if one has already accepted that nothing can be done, one will never look.
A « mild » ADHD does not exist, but strategies do
Here is another common trap: the idea that with a « little ADHD », one should not need specific strategies. « Everyone forgets things. What’s your excuse? »
True, everyone forgets. But people with ADHD forget systematically, often despite constant effort. The difference is not a matter of willpower, but of regularity and intensity. And this is precisely why adjustments are not « luxuries » — they are accessibility.
Someone without ADHD who forgets their phone once a week might think « I’ll be more careful tomorrow ». Someone with ADHD who forgets it four times a day may try to be « careful » with the same determination, and it will not be enough. So they will use an alarm, a checklist, or keep their phone in one specific place. These are not excuses — they are intelligent compensations.
Guilt, the silent trap
Many people diagnosed with ADHD in adulthood go through a particular experience: they feel both validated (« Oh, so it wasn’t just me being hopeless! ») and betrayed (« Wait, for 30 years I could have had help? »). This retrospective guilt is toxic.
And it feeds the false dilemma: either one accepts the diagnosis and allows oneself to blame ADHD for everything, or one partly rejects it and keeps blaming oneself for everything. There is, of course, a third way: understand ADHD, accept it, and then take action despite it.
What does this look like in practice? It means recognising that yes, two-hour meetings without a break are exhausting for your ADHD brain. But no, you are not simply going to cancel them. You might take notes by hand, take a break halfway through, or suggest a different format. You do not deny the difficulty; you work around it.
Responsibility and compassion are not opposites
One final crucial point: asking a person with ADHD to be responsible is not cruel. In fact, it is deeply respectful.
Why? Because it recognises them as capable. It says « your brain works differently, fine, but you are not a child and you can put things in place ». This is far more dignifying than « oh, it’s not a big deal, we know you can’t do otherwise ».
At the same time, being responsible with ADHD is more energy-intensive. It often requires more preparation, external structures and reminders. And this is where the genuine limitations of the disorder are also recognised. One does not say « it’s your problem, sort it out yourself »; one says « here is how we can adapt things so that you succeed ».
This is, moreover, the very heart of the hidden strengths of ADHD: how to make the most of them. Yes, there are difficulties. But there are also distinct abilities — hyperfocus, creativity, resilience — that can be cultivated in parallel.
ADHD as part of identity, not as a justification
It can be fun to be told « you’re so ADHD » when you do something chaotic. It is funny, it is self-deprecating humour. But there is a limit: when it becomes the default explanation for everything, for every behaviour, for every mistake. At that point, the diagnosis becomes a comfortable prison.
A healthy person with ADHD integrates their diagnosis differently. They do not say « I have ADHD, that’s why I am like this ». They say « I have ADHD, and this is how I manage to function ». It is a subtle difference, but an enormous one in the way one lives day to day.
Frequently asked questions
Is it wrong to say « I have ADHD » to justify forgetting something?
No, but it depends on how it is used. If it is to explain a recurring pattern (« I forgot the appointment, I need to set up a reminder system »), it is useful. If it is to say « I forgot, so it’s not my responsibility to fix this », that is problematic.
How can one tell the difference between ADHD and simple laziness?
Laziness means choosing not to do something despite being capable of doing it. ADHD means wanting to do something and the brain not following — or at least, with an abnormal difficulty. To check: if you put structures in place (alarms, lists, rewards), does it change anything? If so, it is ADHD. If not, it may be a matter of priorities or motivation.
Does ADHD completely remove responsibility?
No. ADHD changes the way responsibilities must be carried, but not their existence. Responsibility means adapting, seeking help, and putting in place the necessary adjustments — not simply giving up.
To go further
- HAS (Haute Autorité de Santé) — Recommendations on the diagnosis and management of ADHD in children and adults. A reliable French institutional source for understanding the medical aspects and therapeutic responsibility.
- INSERM (Institut National de la Santé et de la Recherche Médicale) — A comprehensive file on ADHD, its neurological mechanisms and the myths surrounding the disorder that need to be debunked.
- Fédération Française des Associations de TDAH — Support and awareness resources for people with ADHD and their families, with a balanced approach between recognising the disorder and promoting responsibility.
